Breaking News: Study Finds Juniors Leave Campus Just as Much as Before!

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Junior Spring has dawned upon us. And yes, it is better than senior spring because students can now leave campus and buy sushi from Wegmans without being caught. Hooray! The junior class now flaunts outside, finally revealing themselves after years of covert missions.

“I could finally see the light,” explains Junior Liam Baris. “It was amazing.”

Baris goes on to explain all the secret expeditions he and his “bros” launched in an effort to secure a Shake Shack burger without being caught, “We hid behind shrubs, snuck in through the turf, and ordered GrubHub to Beaver without getting caught,” Baris reminisces. “But now we can do all those things and not get in trouble.”  

According to Venmo, their stock has dropped 50% due to Beaver juniors no longer paying seniors for takeout lunch! The company is being increasingly concerned due to dropping sales.

In an effort to understand the phenomenon, the Beaver Reader launched a survey to investigate claims that students are leaving campus just as much as before, “We were shocked by the results,” explains head researcher Erika Newman ‘21. “We discovered that the same percentage of students are leaving campus, even to the hundredth decimal!”

Photo source: https://www.prellwitzchilinski.com/projects/the-street/.

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