Op-Ed: I Don’t Have Senioritis, My Dog Actually Ate My Homework

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Last week, Tommy Murphy tried to turn in his calculus problem set until he realized the paper had huge bite marks.

“At that moment, I realized my dog actually ate my homework,” Murphey protested. “I swear, I think he has a thing for derivatives.”

According to the math department, Murphy’s egregious claims are due to a condition called senioritis. Symptoms include lack of motivation, showing up to school at 9:30 on Mondays, and missing sports practice. Scientists first noted senioritis in 2,000 BCE and have been trying to understand the condition since. 

“I was not surprised,” claims Murphy’s math teacher. “It’s senior year. I can barely get my students to show up anymore.” 

However, Tommy Murphy’s parents were “shocked” and “astonished” upon discovery of the news. 

“We saw a flat F on Canvas,” Mr. and Mrs. Murphy commented. “We could not believe it. Tommy completes all of his homework! He even reads the honors books and annotates all the pages.” 

Murphy’s dog is a 15-year-old golden retriever named Scout. According to the Murphy family, Scout has now entered an intensive training program. 

“This can never happen again,” Tommy said angerly. “Bad boy Scout!”

 

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