Groundbreaking! Beaver Basketball Actually Team Wins

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After numerous loses, year after year, the Beaver basketball team finally musters a win to the shock of the student body.

“I was so proud,” says basketball team coach. “We could barely get enough students to sign up and we actually won. They have been working… kind of hard.”

The team meets once a week from 4:00-4:30 because that is the only time the students are available and will actually show up.

Michael Grassy ‘21 claims the team is “a joke”. He explains how the tryouts were awkward, “Other teams have thirds and stuff, but we only have firsts.”

The team is going to keep going after their dream to just make it to EILS, “This team has a lot of hustle, a lot of heart, and no potential. But I believe in them regardless,” Coach concludes.

(Notice: this is a satire magazine and this article is a joke. Our basketball team is actually really amazing. Go, Beaver!)

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