Breaking News! Beaver Launches New Winter Sport: Curling!

Pyeongchang Olympics Curling
Source (AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

To the shock of the athletic department, 300 Beaver students signed a petition enacted on December 20th to create a new afternoon activity: curling!

“With so many students interested, we think are going to build the strongest, and only curling team in the EIL league,” exclaimed the athletic department.

However, a recent study conducted by the Beaver Dam showed that 99.99999% of Beaver students have no idea what curling even is. The majority of students described the sport as a “joke” or a “meme.” In reality, curling is a serious sport in which players slide stones on ice towards a bullseye. The closer the stones land to the bullseye, the more points are awarded.

Soon after curling was introduced to Beaver, 12 eager freshmen signed up.

“I was really surprised that curling was actually difficult,” explained recent recruit Amy Anderson ’22. “I signed up so I wouldn’t have to do any work.”

Moving forward, team captain freshman Claire Bertman hopes to challenge the Candian teams that traditionally dominate high school curling.

“We won’t stop at anything to beat the Canadians,” explained Bertman. “We will practice just like them. If we need to eat maple syrup every day, we will. If we need to say ‘sorry’ in a funny accent, we will. If we need to drive two hours every day to drink Tim Horton’s coffee, we will.”

As the teams prepare for their first away game against the National High School of Canada, onlookers have observed the young curlers chugging maple syrup from the cafeteria and being extra polite.

“I am really considering going pro,” Bertman concluded. “Or maybe being recruited or something.”

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